It all starts from the stop before. “Next stop is King’s Cross” i hear from the speakers and my mind takes a subconscious turn into a dream that i abandoned a long time ago.
“One more stop”, i think to myself and i make sure i’ve brought back to my head every small detail from day one up until now. “Next stop is Angel”. And here we are. I exit the platform and I can swear that at the back of my eyes I have broken tears that are ready to burst out at any time, i feel this mixed sadness and happiness that fills my whole inside while i walk towards the escalators. And I just stand there till it takes me up. I have no intention to walk up or rush to reach the exit. I stand there and i fill my mind with all these thoughts i had every single time i would come see you. Angel. Is like my “escape” spot for every time life is being difficult. Angel and a walk around your house. The smell of everything around has remained the same, the music in my ears while im walking to your house has remained the same, even if the song is different. Sometimes i bring myself so back that i subconsciously look at my phone thinking uve messaged me asking how far am i. Its a very special blessing i was born with. The memories can swing around my mind so easily so effortless almost as if i can never really live in the present. Angel. I remember the first time i came to your house. It is so clear in my head. I remember how i took the wrong road, how i was shy and scared at the same time. How excited i was to be coming there. I remember being on my period. I remember wearing this light blue jeans tangery. I remember ringing the bell and you coming down to open and walking me up. It was daytime. And i wasn’t staying the night. I had just come to see you. I remember that song by big chess playing at the background. My face litts up when i am in Angel. I just put this song on and just live within me for a minute. Cherish the time i spend getting to you, the excitement of going to the shop to get you sweets and chocolate. The excitement of I have met you and im blessed and lucky ive met such a sweetheart, such a strongheart. The voice that comes out of you has not changed a bit. That look in your eyes. The way you move around the room. The way you hide an inside smile after something ive done but you are not bothered to talk. U never talk much. Theres times that i wish you did. Theres times i wish i was paying attention to more detail back then. Theres times that i wish i hadn’t pushed me away from you. Theres times that i wish i wasnt at that bus stop that day. Times i wished i didnt call that number on that piece of paper. But have you ever lived with that feeling of sadness that turns into happiness and a blessing along the line, and it never goes no matter how much you wish it did. The feeling has become a habit. And a habit has made me, the way i think, the way I execute my mistakes. The way i forgive them. There is a fine line between my desire and acceptance. I cant change what was meant to be. I cant change what my heart wants. I cant take the time back, but i can accept this is how the clock works. I will one day wait for you. At that same bus stop.